On the Open Road
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: Dean finds a letter from Sam when he was a teenager explaining why he killed himself.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing. Random story plot I came up with awhile ago. Enjoy!

* * *

"Come on Dean," Sam said throwing his stuff into the trunk, "Are you ready to go yet?"

"Yeah," I said digging through a bag.

"Can I drive?" he asked hopefully.

"Sure," I said tossing him the keys.

"Okay," he asked confused, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said climbing into the passengers' seat, "Just come on."

"Okay," he said climbing in and starting the car.

I grinned to myself knowing that I had confused him. I loved making Sam confused since it didn't happen that often. Sam was the smart one so I was the one confused most of the time.

We were just heading to Bobby's for a little while. For the past few hunts we have been working pretty hard and it was starting to wear us both down, not that I'd admit that. Sam kept asking for us to rest for awhile and I finally said yes.

Sighing I continued to dig through the bag looking for the lighter I always carried. At the very bottom of the bag was a little slit. A piece of paper was sticking out of the slit. Curiosity consumed me and I pulled it out. It was a note from Sam.

'Dear Dean,

Yeah, I know that sounded like a really girly way to start this note, but it's all I could think of. Umm…I know that it's going to take you awhile to find this note and when you do I hope you'll finally not be mad at me. I know what I did was stupid and you probably hate me, but I had to do it.

Whenever Dad and I would fight you would always look so sad and I knew that was my fault. I'm sorry about that. I just…I couldn't be the perfect son. Not like you at least. I wanted the two of you to have the life you should have had. And that meant me not being here.

I might have been stupid for doing this and I know this hurt you, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I wanted you to be happy. You're my big brother and you always take care of me. This was something that I had to do. I had to do it for you.

Please don't hate me for killing myself. I just want you to be happy. That's all I have ever wanted. Now you can be happy. You and Dad can both be happy now that I'm dead. It wasn't your fault. I did this for you, not because of you. Never think that this was to hurt you. Please, forgive me.

Love,

Sam'

As I read the note I felt my stomach tighten. This was a suicide note. Sam was planning on killing himself. The note was old so I guessed it was when we were teenagers and still with Dad.

Why was Sammy writing this? I was supposed to take care of him and if he thought that killing himself was going to help then he was wrong. I needed to know what the hell happened to make him do this.

What the hell was I supposed to say though? 'Hey, Same I found your suicide note and we need to talk.' Yeah, that wouldn't end well. No, I needed to figure out a way to get him to talk to me.

Hell, what if he didn't remember leaving this note? Maybe he thought that he had gotten rid of this note long ago. I guess it didn't matter we needed to talk about this anyway.

I loved Sam, even if I didn't say it often. Sam was my little brother and there was nothing in this life that would get me to forget or wish him away. Yeah, he annoyed me all the time, but so did everyone else.

I needed to say something. I couldn't let this pass. I couldn't act like I hadn't found this note and pray that he never did anything. There was still a chance of him hurting himself and I needed to stop that.

My little brother was hurting. At least he was when we were younger. I wasn't there for him then, but I was going to be there for him now. First to get him to talk about what happened.

We had a long drive to Bobby's house and it was the perfect time. Now just to say something. Taking a deep breath I folded the note like it was before and put the bag in the back seat.

"Look what I found," I said waving the note slightly.

Looking at Sam's face I knew that he knew what it was. He looked so scared there that I wanted to just ripe the note and throw it away. Unfolding the note I laid it between us.

Sam still didn't say anything. His eyes trained onto the road and his knuckles were white. I knew that I would have to wait until he said something about the note. I just didn't know how long to wait.

There was no way I was going to drop this without some answers no matter how hard I wanted to. I needed to make sure that I would never have to read a note like this ever again.

The Impala was filled with an awkward silence. After a few minutes Sam still hadn't said anything. I was getting tired of the silence and needed to break it to get the truth.

Turning my whole body to Sam I stared at him for a second and saw that his eyes looked haunted. I never wanted to see that look in my little brothers eyes ever again. I saw it too much after Jessica was killed.

Now was a time to help my little brother. I hated that the only way to help him was going to be through hurting him, but it needed to happen. If hurting him was going to help him in the end I guess that's what needed to happen.

"Want to tell me what that's about?" I asked calmly.


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing. Sad story with happy ending. Enjoy!

* * *

"Sam," Dean said softly.

"I thought I threw that away," I said knowing eh wouldn't stop.

"Why did you write it in the first place?" he asked confused.

"It says why," I said motioning to the letter.

"I don't care what it says," he said throwing the letter in the backseat, "I want to hear it from you."

Shaking my head I looked at the road and waited. I didn't even really know why I did it. I had no clue why I wanted to kill myself and I had no clue why I wrote the letter that I did.

How was I supposed to tell Dean that though? I could tell that he was blaming himself for this whole thing. I never wanted that. I never wanted him to find out about it at all.

"Sam," Dean said once again, "I'm not going to stop until we talk."

"There's nothing to say," I said shrugging, "It was a long time ago."

"I don't care," he said slowly, "Tell me what happened."

"I don't know," I said honestly, "I don't fucking know."

"How do you not know why you wanted to kill yourself?" he asked confused.

"I don't know," I said hitting the steering wheel, "I just wanted to die, okay?"

"No," he said shaking his head, "It's not okay."

"Damn it Dean," I said sighing, "I thought you'd be better without me. I thought killing myself would help you."

"It wouldn't," he said sadly, "You're my little brother man. I know I don't say this, but I thought you always knew."

"Knew what?" I asked not getting where he was coming from.

"That I love you," he said grabbing the note.

"I know you love me," I said tears filling my eyes, "That's why I was going to do it. You deserved to have a better life."

"And you thought a life without you would be better?" he asked angrily, "Sam, there I no chance my life would be better without you."

Shaking my head I continued to drive. I didn't believe him. He didn't see that it would be better, but I did. I hurt him too much and when it wasn't me hurting him it was because of me.

Dean needed a better life. I had never true gotten rid of those thoughts. I thought that leaving would help. And for awhile it did help. Then he came back to get me so we could find Dad.

The whole cycle started once again. I kept having thoughts of how much better Dean would be without me. Maybe I was wrong, but I couldn't get the thoughts to stop no matter what.

For my whole life Dean had taken care of me and I thought that this was a good way to pay him back. If he didn't have me to worry about his life would be so much better for him.

"Stop it Sam," Dean said calmly, "Whatever is going on in that freaky head of yours is wrong."

"You don't know what I'm thinking," I shot back quickly.

"I think it had something to do with you thinking my life would be better without you," he said crossing his arms, "And I got to say man, that's the biggest bull I've ever heard."

"Dean," I said sighing.

"Look Sammy," he said cutting me off, "You know how much I hate these moments, but we need to have one and I'm going to stop until we do. Now talk."

How was I supposed to explain this to him? I had kept these feelings hidden for so long that I never thought I'd have to confront them ever again. I didn't know if I could confront them.

Every time I thought about that note I would get so confused. I hated feeling this and I wanted to get back to the way things were when we were younger. There was no way for that though.

"I just wanted it to stop," I said sighing, "I thought it would be better if you didn't have to take care of me."

"Damn it Sammy," Dean said angrily, "I like taking care of you."

"How can you like it?" I asked confused.

"Because then I know someone cares about me," he said softly, "Look Sam, you're my family and that's very important to me, you should know that by now."

"Of course I do," I said quickly, "That's why I thought…"

"Never think that again," he said firmly, "I don't give a damn whether you think it would be better for me to be without you. I won't lose you."

"Thanks man," I said smiling.

"Whatever," he said shrugging, "Just next time. Talk to me so we don't have to do this."

"Alright," I said laughing.

Listening to Dean tell me those things made me feel a lot better. Yeah, it wasn't going to make the thoughts leave, but I guess it was a step in the right direction for me to get over this.

For the life of me I knew I could never get these thoughts to go away completely. It happened a lot that I would think of this, but now Dean knew. I don't know if that would change things majorly.

Maybe this talk would help though. I mean, I knew he would be watching me a lot closer now and that was going to suck completely, but it could end up helping a lot in the end.

I hated down anything to myself for a long time. I stopped a few months after I met Jessica. She knew everything and she was very supportive. Now that Jess was gone though I had Dean.

Dean knew me a lot better then Jess and that would work to his advantage. He knew the signs. At least he was getting better at the signs. Yeah, things were going to be a lot different.

Different wasn't always a bad thing. I knew Dean hated different, but it was also a good thing. It meant that we were growing. Damn, this was going to change things a lot. I hoped we both could handle it.


End file.
